|
A
Parental Guide to Making
Child-Focused Parenting
Time Decisions |
Prepared by the
Minnesota Supreme Court
Approved by
the
January 1999
This pamphlet is not
copyrighted and may be reproduced.
For further information,
contact:
Court Services
Division
State Court
Administration
120 Minnesota Judicial
Center
25 Constitution
Avenue
St. Paul, MN 55155
651-297-7587
·
Separate Parenting Time
and Child Support......................................................................
5
·
Respect Parent-Child
Relationships...................................................................................
5
·
Facilitate Transition
from One Parent to the Other............................................................
5
·
Encourage Telephone and
Other Contact...........................................................................
6
·
Establish Similar
Household Routines................................................................................
6
·
Provide Child’s
Belongings................................................................................................
6
·
Support Contact with
Grandparents and Other Extended Family.....................................
6
·
Accommodate Vacation
Plans............................................................................................
7
·
Establish a Routine for
Picking Up and Dropping Off Child............................................
7
·
Generally.............................................................................................................................
8
·
Infants and
Toddlers..........................................................................................................
9
Parenting Time Considerations ..............................................................................
9
What Parents Can Do to Help............................................................................................
9
·
Preschoolers.......................................................................................................................
10
·
Elementary School............................................................................................................
11
Unless special circumstances exist,
children generally fare best when they have the emotional support and ongoing
involvement of both parents.
Ongoing parental involvement fosters positive parent-child relationships
and healthy emotional and social development. It is also beneficial to parents because
it makes it more likely that the parents will have positive relationships with
their children when the children become adults.
For parents who do not
live together, it is important to cooperate with each other for the benefit of
the children. Children adjust more
easily to crisis and loss if their parents work together to develop healthy ways
of communicating, resolving problems, and reducing conflict. It is
important for parents to remember that formation of a positive parent-child
relationship is a life-long process.
The key to a successful parent-child relationship is the quality of time,
rather than the quantity of time, spent together.
Establishing a parenting
time schedule is an area where parents may experience conflict. This pamphlet is designed to assist
parents in creating parenting time schedules that focus on their children’s
developmental needs from infancy through adolescence. It identifies key tasks that children
normally accomplish at each stage of development, and then identifies
suggestions for parenting time practices aimed at promoting healthy development
at each developmental stage. Emphasis is placed on the importance of parents
accommodating their children's changing needs by creating parenting time
schedules that are routine and predictable, and yet flexible enough to change in
frequency and duration to accommodate their children’s needs as they grow
older.
Parents are encouraged
to recognize that a parenting time schedule that is best for one child may not
be best for the child's brothers and sisters. Parents are also encouraged to
understand that parenting time schedules that are best for their children may
not be best for the parents. For
the best interests of their children, parents may need to tolerate disruption of
their own schedules and more or less parenting time than they might otherwise
choose. Many parents may also need
to address their own feelings of loss, envy, anger, or disappointment when
setting parenting time schedules that are best for their
children.
The information in this
pamphlet is based upon the following
assumptions:
·
The child will benefit
from ongoing and active contact with both parents.
·
One parent has sole or
primary physical custody of the child.
·
One parent has primary
responsibility for the day-to-day care of the child.
·
Both parents are fit to
parent the child.
·
Both parents are willing
and able to parent the child.
·
Child abuse, domestic
violence, and chemical dependency issues do not
exist.
The information in this
pamphlet:
·
DOES NOT replace or change any parenting time schedule agreed upon by
the parents or set forth in a court order.
·
DOES NOT prohibit or limit parents or judges from establishing
parenting time schedules that differ from those recommended in this
pamphlet.
·
DOES NOT mandate minimum or
maximum parenting time times.
·
DOES NOT apply to all families or to all children in all
circumstances.
·
IS NOT "the law" and, while
they are encouraged to do so, parents are not required to follow the parenting
time suggestions in this pamphlet.
The parenting time
suggestions in this pamphlet may not be appropriate if there is genuine concern
about a child's emotional or physical safety when with a parent. The parenting time suggestions in this
pamphlet may not apply, or may need to be adjusted, if any of the following
special situations exist:
·
Physical, sexual, or
emotional child abuse has occurred.
·
Domestic violence has
occurred between the parents or between a parent and
child.
·
Drug or alcohol abuse
has occurred.
Child Abuse, Domestic
Violence, and Chemical Dependency
Parents who have valid
concerns for the safety of their children should seek help from an attorney,
mediator, court services, child psychologist, domestic abuse office, or the
local county social services agency.
When a Parent Has Been
Absent
When a parent, for
whatever reason, has never been a part of the child's life or has not had any
contact with the child for an extended period of time either in person, by
phone, or in writing, both parents should consider the possible problems the
child may have if lengthy or overnight parenting time were to start right
away. Instead, the parenting time
schedule should gradually re-introduce parent and child, taking into
consideration the child's stage of development and the child's ability to
transition well to parenting time with the
parent.
Keep Children Out of the
Middle
·
Parents can keep their
children out of the middle of adult issues by not using the children as
messengers. Sometimes the message is something as
innocent as a reminder that the child must take her medication before
bedtime. Other times, the message
may be that the child support payment will be late. Unfortunately, we all know what happens
to the bearer of bad news. If the
message was difficult for one parent to say directly to the other parent, just
imagine how difficult it will be for the child to relay that message. Instead of using their children as
messengers, parents should either deal directly with each other or through a
mutually agreed upon adult.
·
Parents can keep their
children out of the middle of adult issues by not asking them to report about
what is going on in the life of the other parent. Any time children are asked to divide
their loyalty, or to betray one parent to another, the children feel guilty or as if they are being asked to stop loving one
parent. It is certainly appropriate
for parents to show interest in the lives of their children by asking "how was
your weekend visit?" But, if the
interest is not in the child or in how the child feels,
the child will pick up on this and may eventually feel angry and used.
·
Parents can keep their
children out of the middle of adult issues by not attacking or putting down the
other parent. Some parents find themselves so angry
with the other parent that they vent their anger in front of their
children. Other parents may say
things to try to make themselves look good and the other parent look bad. Children identify with both
parents. If one parent puts down
the other parent, in the eyes of the child it is as if that parent is also
putting down the child.
Parents can help their
children by establishing a workable means of communicating with each other about
their children. At first, some
parents may find it difficult to separate their feelings about the relationship
or the other parent from their need to give and receive information about the
children. Parents can overcome this
problem by communicating with each other about their children in a
"business-like" manner. This may
include agreeing about the time, place, and manner of their communication. It may also include establishing a list
of topics and sticking to it. Parents who are unable to talk to each other because of ongoing
conflict, hostility, or issues of domestic violence, may find it easier to
communicate by putting the information in writing or by communicating through a
mutually-agreed upon adult.
Except in cases where there is an Order For
Protection or other court order prohibiting contact, parents should keep each
other or a mutually agreed-upon third person advised of their home and work
addresses and telephone numbers. In
cases where there is an Order for Protection or other court order prohibiting
contact, the parent must follow the order or ask the court to modify the order
to permit communication regarding the children.
Resolve Conflict
Quickly
Parents can help their
children by cooperating with each other and by quickly resolving their
conflict. Children whose parents
are involved in ongoing conflict over parenting time, child support, or other
issues may experience anger, anxiety, depression, or developmental delays. Parents may resolve conflict in a
variety of ways, including consulting family members, religious leaders,
mediators, parenting time expeditors, county child support officers, attorneys,
or others. Parents may also wish to
seek help for their children by consulting a child psychologist or by seeking
services from the local social service agency. Court administrators maintain lists of
local mediators and parenting time expeditors. The local association of attorneys
maintains a list of attorneys.
Separate Parenting Time
and Child Support
Parents can help their
children by not withholding child support or parenting time. Children generally fare best when they
have the emotional and financial support and ongoing involvement of both
parents. A parent does not have a
right to withhold parenting time or child support because of the other parent's
failure to comply with court-ordered parenting time or support. In other words:
·
The custodial parent
cannot withhold parenting time if the noncustodial parent fails to provide child
support.
·
The noncustodial parent
cannot withhold child support if the custodial parent fails to allow parenting
time.
Rather than withholding
parenting time or support, there are more productive, effective and, if need be,
legal ways for parents to resolve support and parenting time issues. Parents experiencing conflict over
parenting time or child support may wish to consult a mediator, attorney,
parenting time expeditor, or county child support office.
Respect Parent-Child
Relationships
Parents can help their
children by respecting and supporting each child's relationship with the other
parent. Unless agreed upon by both
parents, parents should not plan activities for children that conflict with the
other parent's scheduled time with the children. The time a parent is scheduled to spend
with the children belongs to that parent and the children. The other parent should not interfere
with this time. Parents can also
help their children by adjusting the schedule to permit their children to
participate in reasonable extracurricular activities.
Facilitate Transition
from One Parent to the Other
Parents can help their
children transition from one home to the other by understanding their children's
anxieties and by assuring them that both parents will continue to love them and
to be involved in their lives.
Children commonly experience separation anxiety. This does not necessarily mean that the
child has a poor relationship with either parent. For the child, it may be just like the
divorce or separation is happening all over again. Children under age five generally do not
understand the concept of time, such as hours, days, or weekends. Parents of young children can help them
understand when the child will spend time with each parent by creating a
calendar with different colors for each parent.
Encourage Telephone and
Other Contact
Parents can help their
children by calling and writing to them and by reasonably encouraging and
assisting them to call and write to the other parent. Children do best when they are able to
maintain contact with both parents.
While parenting time is one way to maintain that contact, other ways
include telephone calls, letters, e-mail, and other forms of communication.
Telephone calls between parent and child should be permitted at reasonable hours
and at the expense of the calling parent.
Unless restricted by court order, parents have a right to send cards,
letters, packages, e-mail, audiotapes, and videocassettes to their children.
Children have the same right to send items to their parents. Parents should not interfere with these
rights.
Establish Similar
Household Routines
Parents can help their
children by following similar routines for mealtime, bedtime, and homework
time. Parents can also help their
children by accepting that they have limited control over what happens in the
other parent’s home and by respecting the authority of the other parent. From a very young age, children learn
that their parents have different parenting styles. Children can adjust to some differences
in routines between their parents' homes.
Developmentally, though, children cope better when there is general
consistency between their parents' homes because it helps them have a sense of
order.
Provide Child's
Belongings
Parents can help their
children transition between their parents’ homes by sending along the children's
important belongings, such as clothing, medicine, and equipment. Parents can also help their children by
sending along personal objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals, photos, or
memorabilia of the other parent.
Support Contact with
Grandparents and Other Extended Family
Parents can help their
children maintain important family ties by arranging for the children to visit
their father's family when they are with their father, and by arranging for the
children to visit their mother's family when they are with their mother. Children who have had loving
relationships with their grandparents and other extended family members need to
maintain those ties, otherwise they may experience a
sense of loss.
Facilitate Temporary
Schedule Adjustments
Parents can help their
children by giving as much advance notice as possible when requesting a
temporary adjustment to the parenting time schedule. Family emergencies, illness of a parent
or child, or special events of a parent or child may require temporary
adjustment to the parenting time schedule.
Parents can help their children by scheduling an alternate parenting time
to take place as soon as possible.
Accommodate Vacation
Plans
Parents can help their
children by understanding that it is important for each parent to vacation with
their children. Parents can help
their children by scheduling their vacation times so that they do not interfere
with the other parent's time with the children or with the children's
schedules. Vacation, whether during
school breaks or during the summer, can be a time for parents and children to
expand their relationship. Vacation
is also important because it gives the other parent time off from the demands of
parenting. Vacation time takes
precedence over regular parenting time unless a court order or an agreement of
the parents provides otherwise.
Establish a Routine for
Picking Up and Dropping Off Child
Parents can help their
children by agreeing on who will pick up and drop of the children and where this
will take place. Parents can also
help their children by having the children ready and by being on time. When picking up and dropping off
children, it is important to avoid communication that may lead to conflict. Neither parent should enter the home of
the other parent without permission.
Parents should take all necessary safety precautions when transporting,
picking up, and dropping off their children.
Parenting
Time Suggestions
Children generally fare
best when they have the emotional and financial support and ongoing involvement
of both parents. Establishing a
parenting time schedule is one way to ensure and foster that contact. The child's needs are the key factors
for parents to consider when establishing a parenting time schedule. These needs change as the child grows
older and moves from one developmental stage to the next. The developmental needs of an infant,
for example, are different from those of a toddler or a
teenager.
This section identifies
key tasks that children normally accomplish at each stage of development before
moving on to the next developmental stage.
In considering these developmental tasks, it is important to always keep
in mind that each child is unique, that all children do not progress at the same
rate, and that "normal" development has a tremendous range at each age. Thus, some six-year-old children
progress quickly and do what might be typical of an eight-year-old child, while
other six-year-old children progress more slowly and do what might be typical of
a five-year-old child.
This section also
identifies parenting time suggestions that promote healthy development at each
stage. Rather than rigidly applying
these parenting time suggestions, parents are strongly encouraged to apply them
in a way that best meets the specific developmental needs of each child. This may mean that parents establish
different parenting time schedules for each of their
children.
The child's
developmental stage is only one factor parents should consider when deciding
which parenting time arrangement is best for each child. Other factors parents need to consider
when establishing a parenting time schedule include:
·
Any special needs of the
child and parents.
·
The routines and
schedules of the child and parents.
·
Any mental health issues
relating to the child or parents.
·
Each parent's past
caregiving history.
·
The child's relationship
with each parent.
·
The child's relationship
with grandparents and extended family members.
·
The child’s relationship
with and any step-family members.
·
The distance between
parental homes.
·
Whether the child’s
brothers and sisters will participate in the child’s parenting
time.
·
The child's temperament
and ability to make a calm transition between homes.
·
The length of time that
has passed since the separation or divorce.
·
The ability of the
parents to cooperate.
·
The child's and parents'
cultural and religious differences.
·
Transportation and other
costs related to parenting time.
·
Any other factor(s) that
will enable the child and noncustodial parent to maintain a child to parent
relationship that is in the best interests of the
child.
Infants
and Toddlers (Birth - 2 1/2 Years)
Developmental
Tasks
The primary
developmental tasks of infants include establishing a sense of trust in their
environment and the people around them, forming an effective attachment with at
least one primary parent who consistently and promptly responds to their needs,
becoming comfortable with others who interact with them, and making their needs
known through crying or other signals. Infants and toddlers need frequent
contact with both parents and they do not cope well with numerous changes to
their schedules or routines. At
approximately six months, a child begins to make strong distinctions between
primary caregivers and others, which may result in the beginnings of separation
anxiety. Parents of infants begin
to bond with their children and to recognize their children's signals regarding
their need for food, comfort, sleep, and nurturance.
As children grow from
infants to toddlers, their developmental tasks include: an increasing sense of self-awareness,
the beginnings of a sense of independence, the beginnings of speech development,
and an increasing ability to provide self-comfort and self-regulation in
sleeping, feeding, and toileting.
In addition, the parent’s process of bonding with the child continues as
children grow into toddlers.
Parenting Time
Considerations
Parents of infants should establish a
parenting time schedule that is consistent, predictable, and routine in
nature. Depending upon the
noncustodial parent's availability and caregiving history, the noncustodial
parent of an infant should have short (one to three hour) but frequent (two to three times per week) parenting
time during the day or early evening.
As the child grows from infant to toddler and becomes more comfortable
with separation from the custodial parent, the duration of parenting time should
increase. For parents who live far
apart, the noncustodial parent of an infant or toddler should travel to the
residential area of the custodial parent.
This may mean that parenting time takes place in the home of the
custodial parent or in a nearby location where the child feels comfortable. It is important for parents of infants
and toddlers to establish one nighttime caregiver. Overnight and extended parenting time
may not be appropriate for infants and toddlers. However, children who are able to make
smooth transitions between homes, or who have older sisters or brothers to
accompany them on parenting time, may be comfortable with overnight and extended
parenting time.
What Parents Can Do to
Help
Parents can help their
infants and toddlers by:
·
Establishing a
consistent, predictable, and routine parenting time
schedule.
·
Interacting with the
child in a location where the child feels secure and
comfortable.
·
Gradually increasing the
duration of parenting time.
·
Moving to overnight and
extended parenting time only when the child is able to make a smooth transition
between parental homes.
·
Sending along personal
objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals, and photos of the
parent.
Preschoolers
(2½ - 5 Years)
Developmental
Tasks
Preschoolers continue to
increase their sense of individuality.
They make significant gains in their verbal skills and become more likely
to express their feelings.
Preschoolers also develop a greater sense of curiosity and exploration,
and increase their abilities to imagine and fantasize. Children at this developmental stage may
think they are responsible for their parents' divorce or for their parents not
living together. They fear
abandonment and may fantasize that their parents will reunite. Their sense of security is affected by
predictable and consistent routines.
Parenting Time
Considerations
Routine and consistent
parenting time schedules are very important. For parents who live far apart, it is
usually best for the child if the noncustodial parent travels to the residential
area of the other parent. This may
mean that parenting time takes place in the home of the custodial parent or in a
nearby location where the child feels comfortable. During this stage, children may be
comfortable with longer parenting time periods, including overnights. For younger children, overnights should
be limited to no more than one night per week. Older preschoolers may be able to have
additional overnights and lengthier parenting time. Assuming the child has an ongoing
relationship with the noncustodial parent, vacation time may be
appropriate. Weekend parenting time
that is increased gradually may help preschoolers to make the transition to an
extended vacation time. Transitions
are easier if children bring with them personal objects, such as blankets,
stuffed animals, photos, or memorabilia of the parent. Because preschoolers have improved
verbal and comprehension skills, it is important for parents to avoid speaking
disrespectfully about the other parent or about others in the
home.
What Parents Can Do to
Help
Parents can help their
preschoolers by:
·
Establishing a
consistent, predictable, and routine parenting time
schedule.
·
Gradually increasing the
length of parenting time, working up to overnights.
·
Sending along personal
objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals, and photos of the
parent.
·
Avoiding criticism about
the other parent and others in the home.
Elementary
School (5 - 12 Years)
Developmental
Tasks
Elementary school age
children are learning to develop relationships and cooperate with peers and
adults. At this age, children
establish foundations for academic and athletic skills. Self-esteem, self-worth, moral
development, and personal security are issues for this age group. Elementary school age children identify
with and model the activities of the parent who is the same sex as the
child. Children also become aware
of their parents as individuals, often fear the loss of parents, and feel
sadness and anger because of their parents' divorce or separation. Self-blame, depression, and attempts to
reunite parents are not uncommon in this age group. Children need parental assistance in
learning organizational skills.
Parenting Time
Considerations
While many elementary
school age children benefit from a primary home base, children at this stage of
development can also benefit from spending longer periods of time with their
noncustodial parent, assuming that they have developed and maintained a close
relationship with that parent.
Children of this age may be comfortable being away from their custodial
parent on a regular basis for parenting time lasting two to three days and for
longer periods during school breaks and summer vacation. The more time a child has spent with the
noncustodial parent, the more comfortable the child will be spending time away
from the child’s home base. For younger children of this age group, frequent
parenting time (at least once per week) with their noncustodial parent is
desirable. As a child matures,
longer parenting time with fewer transitions may be
preferred.
What Parents Can Do to
Help
Parents can help their
elementary school age children by:
·
Establishing and
following a predictable parenting time routine.
·
Gradually changing the
frequency and increasing the duration of parenting time.
·
Encouraging and
assisting in phone and letter contact with the other
parent.
·
Avoiding criticism about
the other parent and others in the home.
·
Informing teachers of
any stress the child is experiencing and getting help for school-related
problems.
·
Encouraging and
assisting the child to maintain contact with school, friends, and
extracurricular and community activities.
Adolescents
(12 - 18 Years)
Developmental
Tasks
During the early stage
of adolescence, children continue the process of establishing their identity and
self-worth. Through this process,
and with guidance from their parents, they establish a sense of self in
relationship to the rules and regulations of society. Adolescents also begin the process of
separating from their parents, during which they may mourn the loss of
childhood, dependency, and protection within the family. During this stage, adolescents gain
academic and/or athletic prowess, make and sustain friendships, continue the
process of gender identification, and begin to explore intimate
relationships.